I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
