just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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