I'm so fucking centered right now
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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