It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
