I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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