Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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