i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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