i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
