I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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