I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
