the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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