captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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