i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
