peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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