Can i not drive my cunt home
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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