I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
sarcasm needs its own font
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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