I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
