Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
