I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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