My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Come share oat with me in your robe
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
