I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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