i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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