she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
