VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
