You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
