Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize