So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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