nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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