Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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