You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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