she woke up with a sticky ear
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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