What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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