sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize