My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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