I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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