i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
