Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
