Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
