I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
