my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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