I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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