It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
