I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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