I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
