What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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