I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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