I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
