it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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