Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
