He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
