What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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