Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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