you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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