just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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