tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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