You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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