Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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