Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
did i walk over a car last night?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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