i permit you to call me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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