I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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