I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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