i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
