i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
