Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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