hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
